No matter the words written here, there are shadows undisturbed within this man. In other words, I’ve got my “stuff.” It’s no big secret. It’s evident in my writing, and even more so in my life. But as I keep rooting around inside, it’s a pretty safe bet I’m gonna stir up some dust and disturb any of those remaining … eventually … inevitably bringing me face-to-face with another wonderfully humbling moment. I know, it may sound a bit nutty, but I have always had a sense that I may as well do it sooner vs. later, ‘cuz I’m going to have to face whatever is lurking at some point. And thanks to some folks close(r) to me, it looks like it’s about time to break out some Endust.
At this point, I can’t quite put my finger on all the details … but my thoughts these last few days have been toward the fact that I’m not walking what I talk … or at least that’s my take on it. Indeed, that may be the case with many of us, if not most … but my concern is with the ole boy I see in the mirror each bright and cheery mornin’. You see, I’m a firm believer that our first responsibility is to keep our own house in order … and with that done, even more amazing things can happen.
This issue of “keeping our house in order” is one of those “relative” aspects of life. What is orderly to one may or may not be to another person. As well, it’s an ongoing process. And since I’ve already mentioned “dust” … I’ll bring it back again … with “it” as an example of how a house needs ongoing attention. One peek into my house and I see that I’ve been putting far too much time toward “work” … and then to writing for this site … leaving the house-cleaning to a yet-to-be-hired maid.
Bottom line is that I haven’t been tending the home fires … stoking the flame … and the coolness is becoming evident.
It’s intriguing that it took a dear friend sharing to really bring this to light. She spoke candidly of encountering her own darkness. She spoke of being awoken by tears, wrestling with thoughts and feelings that wouldn’t take their leave. She questioned who she was … because she was struggling to show love to someone she loves. She laid herself bare … and I was touched with her willingness to hang with the pain … and not simply reason it away.
Then she said something that struck me oddly … a dissonant chord. She mentioned how I “seemed” to have it together. Thankfully she did use the word “seemed” … hinting she recognized that appearances can be deceiving. Thankfully.
But it didn’t stop my own wheels from beginning to turn. It was just what I needed. She was my reminder.
As for the topic she broached … I can relate with the notion of being challenged with loving a “loved one.” Typically, you don’t have to look far for examples of how unlovable any of us can be to those that know us. A song comes to mind here … written by a fellow by the name of Paul Thorn, called “I Don’t Like Half the Folks I Love.” The title says it all, don’t ya think? But I’m drifting off course a bit … back to the challenge. While I certainly don’t want to overshadow what she is wrestling with, I was struck more by her willingness to even bring it out in the open. It exemplifies great courage … an outward expression of her consciously facing an inner turmoil … something I don’t feel should be overlooked or sold short.
From my perspective, she is about the work of getting her house in order. How it all plays out remains to be seen, but from what she shared, I could sense she was engaged and prepared to face the situation … and herself. Although I’m sure we will talk more, each situation like this is deeply personal and cannot be expected to follow a tidy formula … excepting of course the presence of love as an essential underlying foundation. That surely is where the rubber meets the road, although it tends to elude tidiness as well, at least in regard to definitions. But I believe the struggles she describes were prompted by that very love … guiding her to look more deeply into that relationship, which will inevitably lead her deeper into her self. Yes indeed, courageous.